Life: The Struggle is Real

Do you like the title? I'm quite proud of it.

Well... life is so darn hard. We all know that, it's what we're here for. I actually gave a lesson on being positive during hard times. I REALLY needed that lesson. As I mentioned a few posts ago, I have depression. It runs in my family, in fact. Now, I haven't gotten to the point where I need to be medicated, and I hope to keep it that way. I also don't get suicidal thoughts, although there are times I honestly wish I could just disappear, or physical harm could happen to me in a way that I am not the one causing it. (OK, that sounds worse than I think now that it is typed out.) That's a HORRIBLE thing to wish on anyone, including yourself. I know it.

The adversary just loves to toy with my mind. This is actually why I hate being alone at home. I need to be around people, especially ones dear to me, to keep the negativity out. If you know me personally, I just want to let you know that just being around you lifts me up. Having my friends and family around helps save me from saying mean things to myself.Selfish, I know. Negative talk is a vicious cycle. The more negativity flows in, the more confused I become. I don't want to get to the point where I'm hopeless. I don't want to get that far. Ever. I want to get to the point where I am OK when I am physically alone.

Through life experiences, I do know one thing for sure: that the gospel of Jesus Christ works. Living it is where I struggle. To clarify, I don't do anything bad, like smoke or anything like that. I'm not going inactive. I just go through the motions. This an area in my life that I've been struggling over again and again. I slack on studying my scriptures, or anything like that for what feels like two seconds and BANG, the depression and the adversary kicks in. The annoying thing about depression is that it's a mental fight to function. It is literally hard for me to find the motivation to get out of bed every morning. I feel like this is why I always struggle to get back on my feet once depression strikes me down; it is hard to find the motivation to get help from the only person who can help me. I KNOW that praying and studying the scriptures help. Doing those things NEVER fail. My problem is consistency. I have to work my tail-end off to stay consistent. It's slightly embarrassing, actually. 

I'm sorry this post is all "woe is me". I don't even know why I feel the urge to post something like this on a public blog, in front of the whole world to see. In fact, I feel very vulnerable. Hopefully, this helps someone in some way. Here is to life being hard, but not quite impossible. The end!

Food for Thought Friday

I really need to work on coming up with original, catchy titles for Blog posts, and papers in general. That skill is definitely not something I was born with, but like a lot of things, it's something I could work on.

Anyways, it is Friday, one of my favorite days of the week. It's the end of a long work/school week. Even though most of my classes in my 21 credit hours are not super strenuous, it can really take a toll on one's energy. People call me crazy for taking on so much, but if I want to graduate this semester, you do what you gotta do. 

This particular afternoon, I find myself sitting under the shade of one of the trees on campus. The weather is perfect, few clouds float in the sky, and the clock tower is as majestic as always. I just got out of my "Women in Cross-Cultural Perspective" class, my last class of the week. Even though I have been trying to get out of this stupid depression cloud, I can't help but feel so blessed. Earlier this week, I was thinking about searching for a job, when an opportunity practically fell into my lap. Then I had the opportunity to teach swing a few nights ago, and it went incredibly well. I just keep receiving all of these blessings, and I don't know what I did to deserve them. I've been wandering through life, feeling like I don't deserve anything. I do what I can, but I'm not doing everything I need to do. It just shows to me that God does care for me, even when I feel like I do not deserve any of it. I am so grateful that He knows me well enough to know when I need something, and He sends help. 

Referring back to my Women's class, we just watched a video about rape/domestic abuse in Sierra Leone, a west African country. Men think it shows a sense of pride to take a girl's virginity away, so many little girls (emphasis on the little; one of the victims was THREE years old), are rape victims. 26% to be precise. The more frustrating thing? The justice system is completely out of whack. So, in the very rare case that someone reports a rapist (there are a lot of them) to the authorities, they do a super lazy investigation and the assaulter gets released. It is all so very mid-boggling, sad, eye-opening, and downright sickening. 

I've been thinking about what I want to do to continue my education all school year, and I've been thinking about being a children's therapist.. There is a counseling office in Sierra Leone, and if I am still unmarried by the time I graduate, I would want to move there and help the poor little girls exposed to such violence at such a young, tender age. I really want to make a difference in the lives of children who have been sexually abused. No one can do that comfortably sitting on their couch at home, or, in my case, sitting under a tree. The first step of making a difference is to become aware, so at least I have that part down. What about you? How can you become aware and make a difference? 

Being a Woman in Our Culture {America}

It has been a very long time since this blog has even graced my mind with it's presence. Life just happens, I guess. Blogging shouldn't, in my opinion, be the best way to document your life, but being a full-time college student on top of my regular church callings and wanting to be involved in college life, this will have to do. Plus, some of my posts will go hand-in-hand with what I'm learning in one of my classes. Well, here it goes.

One of the perks of majoring in general studies is having to take an intensive writing class. Sounds very fun, right? Not really! I enjoy writing, but if it's something I'm being made to do for a grade, I do not like it. Rarely do I ever actually enjoy a written assignment. Anyways, last semester while I was chatting with my counselor about the classes I need to take in order to graduate, she highly recommended "Women in Cross-Cultural Perspective" as my intensive writing course. ("Yippee. Sounds like an 'intensely feminist' class. Bahaha," I thought to myself. I think I'm so punny sometimes). She told me that she took the class out of curiosity and walked out with a better understanding of what womanhood actually means. After she gave me more info concerning the class, I decided it sounded like a great class to take. So yea, that's how I got into it

I'll probably talk more details about the cool hippy-ness of Ms. Blan later, but since it IS close to midnight and my grandma side wanted to go to bed an hour and a half about but I ignored it, I'll just write what has been on my mind.

This last week, we watched a lecture video titled "Killing Us Softly 4" by Jean Kilbourne (I highly recommend you look it up; it's quite eye-opening). The whole thing is about how advertising portrays women, even men. In summary, women are advertised as vulnerable objects, especially in ads pertaining to men. As disturbing as that is, there is another problem, too: Ads practically say that women have to be pretty and skinny. Not only does that subconsciously make women self-conscious, but those advertisements also give an impossible standard of what true beauty is.

In our world, we are surrounded by advertisements, and although we say that ads do not effect us, they really do! Kilbourne said that we consciously absorb 8% of the ads we see, therefore, 92% is being absorbed subconsciously. That is a lot of advertising junk floating around in our minds without us realizing it. Those advertisements really do effect us, whether we like it or not.

Now, I'm just going to throw my personal story in here. On the outside, I try to put on a confident face, and heck, I even rock heels (I'm 6' 1" flat-footed). I'm  not sure how this started, but lately, I find myself thinking I'm ugly. No matter how much I doll myself up, I feel like I look like a warty troll. Part of the problem is I feel ugly, and that is just working it's way outward. I truly feel like real beauty shines from within, but my own light is dimming. Because of these feelings of disgust towards myself, I've been having a hard time believing that people actually like being around me and being my friend. Heck, I don't even want to dance, anymore (If you know me personally, you know that when I don't feel like dancing, there is a problem). I want to get out of this pit, to be my usually happy self again. I WANT TO FEEL AND LOOK BEAUTIFUL. I can buy what the ads are trying to sell me. I can get botox and breast implants. I can get my double hour glass fixed with surgery. I can drop a couple hundred bones on a make-over. I can be Photo-shopped after a photo-shoot and placed on the cover of a magazine. I will not feel beautiful, inside and out. The world is trying to sell us women a lie!

I know that Heavenly Father made me the way I am. He wants me to be happy, and He wants me to feel beautiful. I let the world take over, and now I am in a deep hole of low self-esteem I need to dig myself out of. It will take work. So much work, it almost seems impossible to accomplish.

I am positive that a lot of women out there feel the same way I do. So, here is a solution... Even if no one else reads this post, I have a challenge (Men, you may do this too).
Appreciating Your Outer Self: Look yourself in the mirror like you do everyday. Pick three features you do NOT like about yourself. That's right. What you don't like about yourself. I want you to say to yourself that those features are BEAUTIFUL.
Appreciating Your Inner Beauty: Read and Ponder Proverbs 3:15-18.
I will be doing this too. As I have re-learned so many times, "fake it until you make it".

Braided Bun Challenge

I know, I'm a few weeks late in posting this tutorial. You know, stuff happens! Even though I do claim I keep myself busy by sewing and stuff... Haha, not really. I've just really developed this bad habit of laziness. No good, I know! I don't understand how I'm still alive, since I feel my best when I'm busy. Anyways, my cousin posted a picture on my Facebook wall a few weeks ago, requesting for me to figure out how to do it. Sorry, I can't find the pic, I guess you'll have to wait for the end results! :) P.S. I hope I explain this well enough. I didn't take a whole lot of videos/pictures.

Test picture with the self timer... Sometimes, I crack myself up.

Step 1: Part your hair in a circle, putting the center in a bun (To keep the hair out of the way)

Now, I am very OCD. So, I first parted the hair in front of the ears on both sides, and from those points, I gradually parted it around ze head. It's almost perfectly circular.

Step 2: Starting the braid below the ears, French braid around the head. Make sure to NOT add hair to the INNER SIDE of the braid. Once you run out of hair to add, continue braiding it and tie it off. Note: Make sure to concentrate the braid to the center. Nothing bothers me more than being able to see a part line, plus, people will be able to see your secret... How you did this style!

 Step 3: Hide the braid by hiding it under the French braid... Braid-ception?

Step 4: Part the remaining hair in a circle, making sure the circle is on the crown, or center. Put in a ponytail

Step 5: Put sock bun over ponytail. It is important to have this because otherwise, the style will not work out. You may buy one at the store, but I just cut the toes out of a clean sock and rolled it up. 

 Step 6: Tease all of the hair except for a section in the middle.

 Step 7: Wrap the teased hair around to make a bun. Secure with bobby pins. :)

Step 8: French braid around the bun. Take tiny pieces from the bun part to add to the inside, and to add to the outside, just take the hair from the circle... Make sense? Braid the hair all the way out when you run out of hair to add, tie it off. *I braided this part the same direction as the outside braid.

Step 9: Tuck the excess braid into the bun.

Well, ta-da! :) It's not perfect, since this was my first time ever doing this, and I did it on myself. I'm quite proud of myself though. It would take me about 30 minutes if I didn't have to pause to take a picture or video of the progress. I was very pleased with the results, and I slept in it overnight and it was fine. :)

Thank you, cousin for the challenge! :D I'm hopefully going to get my hair cut short in a few weeks, sooo if you see any up-dos that are cool/want me to figure out, let me know so I can do it :)

Kat's Korner for Kicks

Sorry for the "woah is me" post the other day. I certainly hope no one was offended or thought it was annoying. I would usually just delete it, as silly as that post is, but it's funny how when I feel like the way I did a few days ago, things look up not long after that. No joke, a few hours after I posted that, one of my friends invited me to go night swimming, & that made my day! Other great stuff happened that I don't recall, but I do remember tonight, which I will get to. Brace yourselves for an emotional rampage, inspirational thoughts, warm fuzzy feels, whatever you wanna call it.
I know God loves us. He not only created this beautiful planet for us, He also didn't leave us here with a wish of luck to make it on our own. In my lowest times, He helps me and I make it out stronger. We are nearing the two year anniversary of my dad's passing. Hardly anyone knows about the amazing amount of tender mercies my family and I have experienced. Everyone wonders how in the world we are coming through these hard times with our heads held high. I am telling you, it is our faith in Providence. He is there, all you have to do is kneel. :)
Well, tonight I decided on a whim to go swing dancing. I already have plans to swing-out at the Duce with one of my closest friends since 8th grade (Laura, we have known each other for 7 YEARS. What???), but I did not have patience to wait a few more days. No-sir-ee-bob! So I tied up my younger bro, tossed him in the trunk, & merrily drove to Kats Korner, not being able to hear the screams of protest. The lesson went well, I always like being able to meet different people, & help the guys learn the moves. I even learned steps I want to throw in the dance I'm choreographing! More on that later, trust me. :) 'Twas tricking outside when the shin-dig began, so we splashed/danced in the rain, accomplishing something on my bucketlist. Most of the night consisted of the bro sitting down with the most poky poker face ever, while I attempted to get him to dance. I danced a few times with a few guys. Then Miguel showed up and everything was more fun from there! He got one of the pros to dance with me, which I felt super awkward. Girls, when you do partner dancing, please don't think too hard, don't go black. That was me the whole time. He knows I want to improve, so I didn't feel as bad. I still had fun, though!
We had a snowball fight, & eventually, everyone was in on it! Not a real snowball fight, though that would have been refreshing. To summarise, a few couples start in the middle, then they grab different partners, & everyone is dancing eventually. Sounds pretty cool, right? Ohhh, that gives me more choreography ideas... :)
The DJs decided they wanted to try to give me a heart palpitation, so right after the snowball dance, they played "Booty Swing" (remember that song you can't help but feel cool just walking to? Ya, same song. Remember how I'm choreographing a dance? Yep, that's the song). The bro, Miguel and I, & I'm pretty sure everyone else, felt completely out of breath. I honestly thought I was going to pass out. What is wrong with me? I sang loud AND hard-core danced at the same time for 45 minutes straight, & I didn't feel like that.
One more thing, & I should start getting ready for bed. Things slowed back down, so I just started dancing by myself. Not far was a black girl doing the same thing. We made eye-contact, & I started doing what she was doing. After the song concluded, we introduced ourselves, laughed for moment, and started doing it all over when the next song started. A few other girls joined us. Single ladies for the win! That was seriously the best part of my night! Sammi and I are pretty much BFFs now, so now, I'm counting down for the Duce in a few days.
The night concluded with Shakira, really random, made me want to hustle or samba, but neither the bro nor Miguel knew how, but I was perfectly content with doing whatever dance moves that came to mind. Overall, fantastic night. :)

Thoughts As of Late

Well, I have to say, life is not a stroll through the forest. If you can read this, you probably already know this.
I miss having a friend I can talk to and hang out with. I have very few friends now. Well, I still have the same friends, but they are all kinda serving missions right now. Now, I feel like I don't have anybody. It was all too easy going to college this last year. I had friends at beauty school, and then I would come home to my roommates, all are my friends. Near the end, I took everything for granted, and was just dying to leave.
Now, I live at home. No income, no car, a flickering social life. I only have a handful of friends, all of which have schedules and their own lives. I can put more effort, but I feel like crap. I hate how I sound talking to people; I feel like I just blab, nothing but meaningless junk coming out, mostly a one-sided conversation. So I spend most of my days at home, moping around the house.
I dislike not having a schedule. This is why I feel down. I do not have anything going on! I have so much free time on my hands, I don't know what to do with myself. Try to find a job, yes. Sounds fabulous. Working, devloping people skills, and having money to pay the phone bill, help out, go dancing every once in a while, and most importanly, pay back that stupid loan so I may go on a mission!
I hope this post isn't too much of a Sally Sob Story, but hey, better to let it all out here then on Facebook, right?

Swingcopation!!!

     I wish I could say I came up with the word "Swingcopation", but unfortunately, I did not. One of my great friends, Keir, was on the swing team at his school last year, and that was the name of it. Pretty darn awesome, right? I just want to keep saying it! Swingcopation. SWINGcopation! SwingCOpation... OK, I'm done.
      I showed up at Jasmine's to do the finger-waves on her hair. One: they turned out super cute & they stayed in the whole night! Two: We were both matching! Totally not planned at all! Three: We listened to the Doctor Who theme song when we first got on the freeway. I could barely contain myself, and I wasn't even driving. We both felt so hardcore with the windows rolled down, zooming down the freeway, Doctor Who blasting out of the speakers...
     Anyways, BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE! The Duce is such a cute place! All through the night, I kept discovering cute decorations. I feel like it is something you find on Pinterest that you can never copy. Maybe I'm just slightly obsessed with Pinterest... BUT I do not think I have ever had so much fun, much less asked to danced as much as I did tonight! At the very beginning, Jasmine and I would just dance with each other, which was in and of itself so much fun. I guess the men (yes, MEN) noticed our dancing and liked it, because we were both asked almost every single song. Hopefully, I don't sound like I'm bragging or anything.
     All of the guys I danced with were really nice, and so great at swing dancing! Of course, there is always that one creepy guy who you can feel him staring at you the whole time and you just feel creeped out. Then, there is that one cute lil' old man who you have a lot of fun dancing with & talking to. Just like another grandpa! There were three men in particular who stood out to me dance-chemistry-wise. First, there was John, whom I used to be really good friends with back to oh-so glorious high school. My senior year, the ballroom teacher was always going on and on about John, and I have not danced with him in a few years, so I had no idea how pro he is. So, a few months ago, I attended another swing joint called Kat's Korner. I got up the nerve to ask him to dance... Did not end up well. He did not say a word, but I felt like I was doing horrible, thus felt really embarrassed for asking him in the first place. Anyways, he asked me to dance tonight! Quite a shocker to me, but man, I had so much fun dancing with him! Again, he didn't really say anything, so I don't know if he had fun. I certainly did, though!
     Next, there was Morgan. He was taller than me, so that is always a plus. Probably about in his late 20s, I'm not sure, but that does not matter. He was so fun to dance with! He threw some moves at me I was not familiar with, and he was really great at leading, so I didn't feel like I messed up a whole lot. Even then, whenever I'd ask him if I did a move wrong, he did not tell me how I could be better, we would just keep dancing. At one point, he would throw the move at me again, and he told me "You got it!" Later on, my friend, Rebecca, taught the basic move for Balboa. She left to dance, but Morgan came over and helped us get it down! Seriously, super nice man!
     Lastly, Miguel asked Jasmine and I to dance at some point. When he asked me to dance, the song that was playing was this super cool modern swing song. No words can describe it, except it is one of those songs you feel hardcore walking to the beat. Anyways, he told me that was "his song", so I honestly felt pressure. From what I pick out, swing dancers have songs they like to dance to, and they have their own flare they add to it. I was scared he was going to flat out improvise something I had never done before. Does that make sense? He turned out being one of my favorite people to dance with! Yes, he did a few things I had never done, but they were moves that were easy, but SO much fun to do! Turns out, he was possibly just as nervous as I was, because he says he has only been swing dancing a few months! Miguel is definitely going somewhere with swing dancing. I can feel it!
     The whole night was hands down the best night of dancing of my whole dance career. Maybe it was because I was having really bad dance withdrawals beforehand. Either way, it felt great to dance the night away, especially with Jasmine. I wish we would have another chance to go dancing before she leaves on her mission. We will definitely rock the Duce once again when we are both home!