Life: The Struggle is Real

Do you like the title? I'm quite proud of it.

Well... life is so darn hard. We all know that, it's what we're here for. I actually gave a lesson on being positive during hard times. I REALLY needed that lesson. As I mentioned a few posts ago, I have depression. It runs in my family, in fact. Now, I haven't gotten to the point where I need to be medicated, and I hope to keep it that way. I also don't get suicidal thoughts, although there are times I honestly wish I could just disappear, or physical harm could happen to me in a way that I am not the one causing it. (OK, that sounds worse than I think now that it is typed out.) That's a HORRIBLE thing to wish on anyone, including yourself. I know it.

The adversary just loves to toy with my mind. This is actually why I hate being alone at home. I need to be around people, especially ones dear to me, to keep the negativity out. If you know me personally, I just want to let you know that just being around you lifts me up. Having my friends and family around helps save me from saying mean things to myself.Selfish, I know. Negative talk is a vicious cycle. The more negativity flows in, the more confused I become. I don't want to get to the point where I'm hopeless. I don't want to get that far. Ever. I want to get to the point where I am OK when I am physically alone.

Through life experiences, I do know one thing for sure: that the gospel of Jesus Christ works. Living it is where I struggle. To clarify, I don't do anything bad, like smoke or anything like that. I'm not going inactive. I just go through the motions. This an area in my life that I've been struggling over again and again. I slack on studying my scriptures, or anything like that for what feels like two seconds and BANG, the depression and the adversary kicks in. The annoying thing about depression is that it's a mental fight to function. It is literally hard for me to find the motivation to get out of bed every morning. I feel like this is why I always struggle to get back on my feet once depression strikes me down; it is hard to find the motivation to get help from the only person who can help me. I KNOW that praying and studying the scriptures help. Doing those things NEVER fail. My problem is consistency. I have to work my tail-end off to stay consistent. It's slightly embarrassing, actually. 

I'm sorry this post is all "woe is me". I don't even know why I feel the urge to post something like this on a public blog, in front of the whole world to see. In fact, I feel very vulnerable. Hopefully, this helps someone in some way. Here is to life being hard, but not quite impossible. The end!

Food for Thought Friday

I really need to work on coming up with original, catchy titles for Blog posts, and papers in general. That skill is definitely not something I was born with, but like a lot of things, it's something I could work on.

Anyways, it is Friday, one of my favorite days of the week. It's the end of a long work/school week. Even though most of my classes in my 21 credit hours are not super strenuous, it can really take a toll on one's energy. People call me crazy for taking on so much, but if I want to graduate this semester, you do what you gotta do. 

This particular afternoon, I find myself sitting under the shade of one of the trees on campus. The weather is perfect, few clouds float in the sky, and the clock tower is as majestic as always. I just got out of my "Women in Cross-Cultural Perspective" class, my last class of the week. Even though I have been trying to get out of this stupid depression cloud, I can't help but feel so blessed. Earlier this week, I was thinking about searching for a job, when an opportunity practically fell into my lap. Then I had the opportunity to teach swing a few nights ago, and it went incredibly well. I just keep receiving all of these blessings, and I don't know what I did to deserve them. I've been wandering through life, feeling like I don't deserve anything. I do what I can, but I'm not doing everything I need to do. It just shows to me that God does care for me, even when I feel like I do not deserve any of it. I am so grateful that He knows me well enough to know when I need something, and He sends help. 

Referring back to my Women's class, we just watched a video about rape/domestic abuse in Sierra Leone, a west African country. Men think it shows a sense of pride to take a girl's virginity away, so many little girls (emphasis on the little; one of the victims was THREE years old), are rape victims. 26% to be precise. The more frustrating thing? The justice system is completely out of whack. So, in the very rare case that someone reports a rapist (there are a lot of them) to the authorities, they do a super lazy investigation and the assaulter gets released. It is all so very mid-boggling, sad, eye-opening, and downright sickening. 

I've been thinking about what I want to do to continue my education all school year, and I've been thinking about being a children's therapist.. There is a counseling office in Sierra Leone, and if I am still unmarried by the time I graduate, I would want to move there and help the poor little girls exposed to such violence at such a young, tender age. I really want to make a difference in the lives of children who have been sexually abused. No one can do that comfortably sitting on their couch at home, or, in my case, sitting under a tree. The first step of making a difference is to become aware, so at least I have that part down. What about you? How can you become aware and make a difference? 

Being a Woman in Our Culture {America}

It has been a very long time since this blog has even graced my mind with it's presence. Life just happens, I guess. Blogging shouldn't, in my opinion, be the best way to document your life, but being a full-time college student on top of my regular church callings and wanting to be involved in college life, this will have to do. Plus, some of my posts will go hand-in-hand with what I'm learning in one of my classes. Well, here it goes.

One of the perks of majoring in general studies is having to take an intensive writing class. Sounds very fun, right? Not really! I enjoy writing, but if it's something I'm being made to do for a grade, I do not like it. Rarely do I ever actually enjoy a written assignment. Anyways, last semester while I was chatting with my counselor about the classes I need to take in order to graduate, she highly recommended "Women in Cross-Cultural Perspective" as my intensive writing course. ("Yippee. Sounds like an 'intensely feminist' class. Bahaha," I thought to myself. I think I'm so punny sometimes). She told me that she took the class out of curiosity and walked out with a better understanding of what womanhood actually means. After she gave me more info concerning the class, I decided it sounded like a great class to take. So yea, that's how I got into it

I'll probably talk more details about the cool hippy-ness of Ms. Blan later, but since it IS close to midnight and my grandma side wanted to go to bed an hour and a half about but I ignored it, I'll just write what has been on my mind.

This last week, we watched a lecture video titled "Killing Us Softly 4" by Jean Kilbourne (I highly recommend you look it up; it's quite eye-opening). The whole thing is about how advertising portrays women, even men. In summary, women are advertised as vulnerable objects, especially in ads pertaining to men. As disturbing as that is, there is another problem, too: Ads practically say that women have to be pretty and skinny. Not only does that subconsciously make women self-conscious, but those advertisements also give an impossible standard of what true beauty is.

In our world, we are surrounded by advertisements, and although we say that ads do not effect us, they really do! Kilbourne said that we consciously absorb 8% of the ads we see, therefore, 92% is being absorbed subconsciously. That is a lot of advertising junk floating around in our minds without us realizing it. Those advertisements really do effect us, whether we like it or not.

Now, I'm just going to throw my personal story in here. On the outside, I try to put on a confident face, and heck, I even rock heels (I'm 6' 1" flat-footed). I'm  not sure how this started, but lately, I find myself thinking I'm ugly. No matter how much I doll myself up, I feel like I look like a warty troll. Part of the problem is I feel ugly, and that is just working it's way outward. I truly feel like real beauty shines from within, but my own light is dimming. Because of these feelings of disgust towards myself, I've been having a hard time believing that people actually like being around me and being my friend. Heck, I don't even want to dance, anymore (If you know me personally, you know that when I don't feel like dancing, there is a problem). I want to get out of this pit, to be my usually happy self again. I WANT TO FEEL AND LOOK BEAUTIFUL. I can buy what the ads are trying to sell me. I can get botox and breast implants. I can get my double hour glass fixed with surgery. I can drop a couple hundred bones on a make-over. I can be Photo-shopped after a photo-shoot and placed on the cover of a magazine. I will not feel beautiful, inside and out. The world is trying to sell us women a lie!

I know that Heavenly Father made me the way I am. He wants me to be happy, and He wants me to feel beautiful. I let the world take over, and now I am in a deep hole of low self-esteem I need to dig myself out of. It will take work. So much work, it almost seems impossible to accomplish.

I am positive that a lot of women out there feel the same way I do. So, here is a solution... Even if no one else reads this post, I have a challenge (Men, you may do this too).
Appreciating Your Outer Self: Look yourself in the mirror like you do everyday. Pick three features you do NOT like about yourself. That's right. What you don't like about yourself. I want you to say to yourself that those features are BEAUTIFUL.
Appreciating Your Inner Beauty: Read and Ponder Proverbs 3:15-18.
I will be doing this too. As I have re-learned so many times, "fake it until you make it".